How to Bring Compassion to Coaching: Lessons from IFS

If you’ve been coaching for any length of time, you’ve likely worked with clients who are incredibly hard on themselves. They judge their struggles, beat themselves up over setbacks, and push themselves to change—often from a place of frustration rather than self-acceptance.

But here’s the thing: Lasting transformation doesn’t come from self-criticism. It comes from self-compassion.

As coaches, we have the privilege and responsibility to create a space where clients feel safe, understood, and supported. And one of the most powerful tools for doing this is through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS).

IFS teaches us that every part of a person—even the ones that seem unhelpful—has a positive intention. When we apply this perspective to coaching, we replace judgment with curiosity, frustration with understanding, and force with gentle encouragement.

Whereas IFS is a psychotherapeutic approach that requires very specialized training, like other psychotherapeutic approaches that inform coaching, IFS can infuse compassion and disrupt vicious cycles. By exploring how this can work in a coaching scenario, we can augment our approach and inspire transformation. This lens also helps us notice when as coaches we might have our own parts eager to push clients or try to "fix" them, commonly known in the coaching world as the "righting reflex". It must be said here that coaching is not a replacement for therapy and this article is meant to offer a peek into ways this model can be used outside clinical settings with care. 

So how can you bring more compassion into your coaching? Here’s what IFS can teach us.

The Power of Compassion in Coaching

Many clients enter coaching feeling stuck, frustrated, or ashamed of certain patterns in their lives. They might say things like:

• “I don’t know why I keep procrastinating. I just need to stop being lazy.”

• “I always mess things up. Why can’t I just get it together?”

• “I know what I need to do, but part of me keeps resisting.”

Traditional coaching might focus on pushing through resistance, creating action plans, or shifting mindset. But IFS teaches us something different:

🚫 Self-criticism doesn’t lead to growth. ✅ Compassion does.

When we bring compassion into coaching, clients stop battling themselves and start working with themselves—leading to deeper, more sustainable transformation.

Lessons from IFS: How to Bring More Compassion into Coaching

1. Recognize That Every Part of a Client Has a Positive Intention

IFS teaches us that our minds are made up of different “parts”, each with its own emotions, beliefs, and motivations. These parts are not enemies—they are trying to help, even when their methods seem unhelpful.

For example, a client who procrastinates might:

• Have a perfectionist part that’s afraid of failure.

• Have a fearful part that remembers being judged in the past.

• Have a protective part that avoids discomfort.

Rather than treating procrastination as a problem to fix, a compassionate approach informed by IFS enables us to be curious so clients can understand why that part exists. This simple shift often reduces resistance.

How to Apply This in Coaching: 🟢 When a client struggles, ask: “What do you think this part of you is trying to protect?” 🟢 Help them shift from frustration to curiosity about their inner world.

2. Help Clients Befriend Their Inner Critic Instead of Fighting It

Many clients have an inner critic that is loud, harsh, and relentless. This voice tells them they’re not doing enough, that they’re failing, or that they’re not good enough.

An IFS informed approach shows us that the inner critic isn’t the enemy—it’s actually trying to protect the client from perceived failure, rejection, or embarrassment.

How to Apply This in Coaching: 🟢 Instead of saying, “You need to silence your inner critic,” try: “What does this critical part of you need in order to feel safe?” 🟢 Encourage clients to build a relationship with their inner critic rather than trying to shut it down.

Often, when the inner critic feels heard and reassured, it softens on its own and the client gains deep personal insight.

3. Create a Judgment-Free Coaching Space

IFS reminds us that all parts of a person deserve compassion—not just the ones our clients like. Some clients feel ashamed of their self-sabotaging behaviors or old patterns. Your role as a coach is to hold a nonjudgmental space where the client is able to speak for their parts.

How to Apply This in Coaching: 🟢 When a client feels ashamed, reassure them: “It makes total sense that a part of you feels this way.” 🟢 Use neutral and accepting language—instead of calling something a “bad habit,” call it a “protective strategy.”

When clients feel safe from judgment, they can explore their struggles with honesty and self-kindness.

4. Teach Clients to Lead with Their Self—Not Their Fears

IFS teaches that at the core of every person is the Self—a wise, calm, and compassionate presence we often refer to in everyday language as the higher self. When clients learn to lead from their Self, they make decisions from a place of clarity, calm, creativity, compassion, curiosity, a feeling of connectedness, courage, and increased confidence. .

How to Apply This in Coaching: 🟢 Ask: “If your most compassionate, grounded Self spoke to this part, what would it say?” 🟢 Encourage clients to connect with their Self through activities that make them feel in the proverbial zone: art, hiking, music, exercise, mindfulness activities, or journaling.

When clients practice being in this state where they access their Self they develop greater self-trust and confidence.

5. Model Self-Compassion in Your Coaching Style

One of the best ways to teach clients compassion is to model it yourself. If you hold a gentle, understanding space, clients will learn to do the same for themselves.

How to Apply This in Coaching: 🟢 Normalize setbacks. Instead of saying, “Why do you think you failed?” say, “What did this experience teach you?” 🟢 Encourage self-kindness. Remind clients that growth isn’t linear and that every step forward—even a small one—is worth celebrating. 🟢 Be patient. If a client struggles with the same issue repeatedly, hold space for them with warmth and curiosity.

When you lead with compassion, clients will learn to do the same for themselves.

Final Thoughts: Compassion Is the Key to True Transformation

At its core, coaching isn’t about fixing people—it’s about helping them reconnect with their own wisdom, resilience, and inner strength.

IFS teaches us that every part of a person deserves to be heard, understood, and accepted. When we bring this perspective into coaching, clients stop battling themselves and start working with themselves—leading to deeper, more sustainable change.

So, as you work with clients, remember: ✔ Every part of them has a positive intention. ✔ Self-criticism doesn’t fuel growth—self-compassion does. ✔ The more you hold a judgment-free space, the safer they’ll feel to explore their inner world. ✔ Helping clients lead from their Self is the key to real confidence and clarity.

Are you ready to integrate more compassion into your coaching? Start by getting curious about your clients’ parts, modeling self-kindness, and creating a space where every part of them feels safe.

If you are a coach looking to learn more about how to use IFS in coaching, or a self-help lover looking to explore your own transformation, feel free to drop me a message at Theresa@Altraform.com

And if you want to dive deeper into IFS, check out IFS Institute for more resources and training opportunities for professionals.

Theresa Walsh Velendzas is a Level 3 trained Certified IFS Practitioner and regularly assists as a Program Assistant in IFSI trainings. As a dually Board Certified Coach (BCC, NBC-HWC) Theresa is passionate about bringing compassionate approaches into coaching through her psychology background to bridge the gap between therapy and coaching. Self portrait in nature with her walking companion, Stella.